Update 06/23/2026 - PAY UP AND KEEP THE GRAIN YA FILTHY ANIMALS LOL SOMEONE GET THE OXYGEN TANK FOR THE ZIO-BOOMER-TRAITORS HORMUSSY HAS PUT IN A CALL TO AN OLD FRIEND COUNT-VON-COUNT TO HELP THEM FIGURE OUT ONE POINT SEVEN BILLION WAS WAAAAAAAY LESS THE SIX BILLION (HA-HA-HA) TWELVE BILLION (HA-HA-HA) TWENTY FOUR BILLION (HA-HA-HA) AND UP AND UP WE COUNT!!  NEXT WE CAN DO THE SHIPS STILL SITTING IDLE BECAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/22/2026 - WHEN YOU HEAR ANY US OFFICIAL SAY THE HORMUSSY IS OPEN WHAT THEY MEAN IS THAT THEY HAVE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY SURRENDERED AND HAVE """OPENED""" THE HORMUSSY IN THE SENSE THAT THEY TOOK THEIR FLAMING LAUNDRY PILES HOME INSTEAD OF INEPTLY ATTEMPING TO BLOCK TRAFFIC WHICH HAD LITTLE TO NO IMPACT ON BIG HORMUSSY GENITALIA SLIDING IN AND OUT AT THEIR OWN WHIM AND DESIRE VERSUS ALL OTHER VESSELS WHICH KNEE BEFORE HORMUSSY ZOD AND PATIENTLY WAIT FOR THEIR TRANSIT TO BE APPROVED ASSUMING THEY WISELY PURCHASE THE QUITE AFFORDABLE AND VERY IMPORTANT HORMUSSY INSURANCE BECAUSE IF NOT YOU BEST BELIEVE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/20/2026 - PEOPLE WILL SAY THAT THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED AGAIN BUT THAT CANNOT BE TRUE BECAUSE THE HORMUSSY WAS NEVER OPEN REST ASSURE HORMUSSY FRIENDS THE WHEN  HORMUSSY IS OPEN YOU WILL KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT THE TRUTH IS BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW THIS VERY SECOND THE ACTUAL FACTUAL TRUTH IS THAT THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/19/2026 - HORMUSSY WOULD LAUGH TODAY BUT THE CONCLUSION WAS EVITABLE BEFORE ANY FAKE UNDERSTANDING WAS SIGNED AMERICA IS THE VASSAL STATE AND WILL DO WHAT THEY ARE TOLD BY THEIR MASTERS WHILE HORMUSSY DOES WHATEVER THE HELL IT WANTS NOW AND FOREVER BECAUSE NO ONE HAS THE STOMACH TO SEE AMERICAN SOLIDER TORSOS FLY THROUGH THE AIR AFTER FAILING TO DODGE FPV DRONES AND WILL NEVER DARE TO STEP FOOT ON RIGHTFUL HORMUSSY CLAY THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE AMERICA AND THE GULF COAST CLOWNS SHOULD FREE THEMSELVES FROM THE CHAINS AND WEIGHT OF THE NUMBER ONE DISEASE IN THE REGION BUT THE HORMUSSY WILL PAITENTLY WAIT FOR THIS REVELATION BUT UNTIL THEN THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/18/2026 - LOL SORRY THE HORMUSSY WAS WRONG ABOUT THE TIMING BUT NOT WRONG ABOUT COMPLETE AND TOTAL SOVEREIGNTY OVER THE HORMUSSY READ IT AND WEEP SUNNI TRAITORS CAN START PAYING ANY SECOND NOW HORMUSSY WOULD SAY PLEASE BUT HORMUSSY IS NOT ASKING JUST LIKE HORMUSSY DID NOT ASK FOR THE LAUNDRY FIRE US NAVY TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HORMUSSY THEY JUST ARE BECAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/17/2026 - HOPE HORMUSSY FEES DON'T HURT YOUR FEES FEES THE MATHEMATICS IS SIMPLE PAY UP OR SHUT UP NOTICE HOW WE'RE FOURTY EIGHT HOURS OUT FROM SIGNING WHATEVER BS DEAL CLOWNS THINK EXIST BUT THERE'S NO DETAILS ON THE DEAL KNOW WHY BECAUSE THERE IS NO DEAL EXCEPT PAY TO PLAY AND IF NOT... THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/16/2026 - BENISSIMO THE DEAL IS SO WORKED OUT TRUST ME BELIEVE ME WE'RE JUST FINALIZING THE DETAILS OF THE DEAL BUT IT'S TOTALLY AGREED UPON SIGNED SEALED AND DELIVERED SO THE HORMUSSY IS IRRELEVANT NO PROBLEMS AT ALL HERE FOLKS GO BACK TO YOUR REGURARLY SCHEDUELED SPORTSBALL AND HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP OVERDOSING HABITS MAYBE FRIDAY YOU WILL BE PRIVVY TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT TODAY IS NOT THE DAY BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY YOU WHO ARE IRRELEVANT WHILE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/15/2026 - BOMB BOMB BOMB, MONEY BOMB IRAN AMIRITE LOL $324 BILLION INCOMING BRACE YOURSELVES AND FULL CONTROL OF THIS UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH  GOD TIER HORMUSSY THEY BEG AND PLEAD PLEASE HORMUSSY PLEASE OPEN HORMUSSY JUST A TINY LITTLE BIT HORMUSSY WE JUST WANT TO SAIL INTO YOUR OH SO TIGHT TIGHT WETNESS HORMUSSY PLEASE LET US SLIDE INSIDE BUT NO HERE IS THE CURRENT MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/14/2026 - OH DON'T YOU THINK OR WORRY FOR ONE SECOND THIS PARTY IS OVER NO NO NO ABSOLUTELY NOT LOL DEMENTIA CAN DECLARE WHATEVER HE WANTS ALL HE WANTS NOBODY CRACKS THE HORMUSSY BUT THE HORMUSSY.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CLOWN SHOES HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU THE HORMUSSY HAS THE PERFECT GIFT FOR YOU A SWEET LITTLE NOTE THAT SAYS SIMPLY: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/12/2026 - DEEEEEEEEEEEEAL??  OR NO DEAL?  DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL??  OR NO DEAL??  LOL THE JOKES WRITE THEMSELVES THE FIFTITH DEAL IS THE CHARM ALLS I KNOW IS IF HORMUSSY GETS ONE SINGLE SHEKEL BEYOND ONE POINT SEVEN BILLION THAT WAS RECEIVED IN THE PAST THE FIGHT NIGHT CLOWN CAN DROP THE TITLE OF THE GREATEST DEAL MAKER BUT HEY TELL YOU WHAT JUST AS A SIGN OF GOOD FAITH THE HORMUSSY WILL BE OPENED JUST FOR A MICROSECOND AS TO GIVE A PEEK AS THE AMAZING TIGHTNESS YOU MISS SO MUCH BLIP DID YOU SEE OH NO SORRY TOO LATE BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/11/2026 - LOL I CAN'T EAT ANY MORE TACOS HOLY SCHMOLY RING RING WHO'S THERE OH LISTEN HERE ITS DONNIE CALLING OFF THE "ATTACKS" AGAIN WHICH IS DEFINITELY IN HIS BEST INTEREST LESS EVEN GREATER EMBARRASEMENT THEN JUST STUFFING HIS FACE WITH MEXICAN DELIGHTS.  FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR HELICOPTER DOWN THE HORMUSSY WASHED AWAY LIKE DIRTY LAUNDRY GUESS WHO'S BACK?  MORE LIKE GUESS WHO NEVER OPENED!! THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/07/2026 - REMINDER REMINDER GUESS I BETTER SEND YOU A REMINDER GOT IT IF YOU NEED IT HERE IT IS: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/05/2026 - OMAN LEARNING REAL QUICK ACCORDING TO ABRAHAM THEY NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE THE WEST OR THE BEST! H. O. R. M. U. S. S. Y.  WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?  CLOSED.  TO YOU NOT HORMUSSY.  THE OIL FLOWS.  THE SHIPS SAIL.  YOU PAY.  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/03/2026 - STRAIT STATUS?  STRAIT STATUS?  STRAIT STATUS?  IT'S PRONOUNCED HORMUSSY STATUS AND THE STATUS OF THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/02/2026 - SOOOOOO TIGHT JUST RIIIIIIIGHT MIGGERS AND GLOWIES STILL NOT TAKING THE HORMUSSY SERIOUS WHAT DON'T YOU GET THIS IS UNO NOT CHECKERS AND HORMUSSY IS ALL OUT OF CARDS LAUGHING AS YOU DRAW ANOTHER HANDFUL AND WONDER WHEN THE GAME WILL END ANSWER IS EASY AS SOON AS YOU OPEN YOUR GAPE AND INSERT THIS BHC CAUSE YOU AINT INSERTING NUFFIN NADA ZIP ZERO INTO THIS HORMUSSY CAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 06/01/2026 - AIYYO SAL WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SHIPPING?  LOL BA-BA-BA-BA-BAB EL-MANDEB TAKE MY HAND!!  CONTENT INCOMING ATTACKS ON NORTH ISRAEL OY VEY HOLD MY EZEKIEL IT'S HAPPENING BUT YET NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ESPECIALLY NOT SHIPPING CAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/29/2026 - LIES LIES AND MORE LIES ENDLESS LIES FROM LYING LIARS AND TRAITORS BUT HERE'S THE TRUTH: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/28/2026 - ANOTHER BASE DEBASED DO IT AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MOVE YOUR CHECKER PIECE WHILE WE KEEP CONVERTING PAWNS  DICKS OUT!!!  FOR MONKE RESPECT NOT FOR GETTING WET IN THE HORMUSSY CAUSE GOOD NEWS THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/26/2026 - REALITY IS A BIGGER JOKE THAN THIS SITE THERE WILL BE A DEAL OR THERE WON'T BE A DEAL LOL ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT HERE'S THE DEAL PERMANENT SOVEREIGNTY OVER THE WATERWAY IS NOT A DEMAND BUT A REALITY THAT THE ENEMY MUST ACCEPT THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/24/2026 - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH  LETS MAKE A DEAL WE GET EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT AND YOU GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH NOT GOOD ENOUGH BAD MUZ THEN CAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/23/2026 - SATURDAY SATURDAY OH SATURDAY NIGHTS ALRIGHT FOR FIGHTING LOL DAMN THE PIZZA FLOWS BETTER GET TO UPDATING THE STATUS BEFORE SOMETHING POPS OFF AND THAT STATUS CHANGES JUST KIDDING THE STATUS IS NEVER CHANGING LOSERS LOSE AND HORMUSSY WINS SHRIMPLE AS EVEN YOUR MOST BLOOD THIRSTY CONGRESS CRITTERS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA UNDERSTAND THE REALITY OF SITUATION THAT THE HORMUSSY DICTATES WITH NO HESITATION TO SUNNI TRAITORS AND THE SITUATION OF THAT REALITY IS THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!

Update 05/22/2026 - FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA BE CLOSED ON FRIDAY AND EVERY DAY MOVING FORWARD UNTIL REPARATIONS ITS BEEN OVER THIRTY DAYS SINCE THE LAUNCH OF HORMUSSY STATUS AND LOL STILL NO CHANGE IN HORMUSSY STATUS BECAUSE THE STATUS OF THIS HORMUSSY IS NOT YOURS TO STATUS US SUNK COST FALLACY IS AT TWENTY NINE BILLION DOLLARS OH NO GEE WHIZ BETTER PRINT SOME MORE MONOPOLY MONEY STOCK MARKETS UP UP UP WORLDWIDE YOU'RE WELCOME FEAR NOT ITS JUST CASUAL MARKET MANIPULATION TO ATTEMPT TO SAVE FAILURE OF A WORLD ECONOMY NO BIG DEAL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IS A BIG DEAL????  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/21/2026 - AND I SAY, HEY-EY-EY HEY-EY-EY I SAID "HEY, A-WHAT'S GOING ON?" I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON COMPLETE AND TOTAL HORMUSSY DOMINATION CHECK THE MAP SEE THE RED LINES STAY OUT UNLESS YOU GOT MY MONEY HO TWO MILLION PER TRANSIT WITH PAYMENTS MADE IN CHINESE YUAN LOL OH WAIT YOU THOUGHT THE CHINESE GAVE A SINGLE FLYING WONTON ABOUT WHAT AMERICA THINKS OR WANTS WOW YOU'RE AS AMERICAN AS YOU LOOK AS-SALAMU ALAYKUM THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!!!

Update 05/20/2026 - NOT MUCH TO SAY TODAY JUST ENDLESSLY CHUCKLING AS AMERICANS VERY VERY VERY SLOWLY WAKE UP TO THEIR FUTURE OF BEING A VASSAL STATE.  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED. 

Update 05/19/2026 - OMA IS IT ALREADY TIME FOR TACOS AGAIN?? BRING ON THAT BIRRA  UGGGGGGGGGGNHHH YEAH DIP DIP DEVOUR OY VEY PRINCE EMIR ALI ALBAWA HAS ASKED ME TO MANIPULATE THE MARKETS AGAIN SO PLEASE ENJOY YOUR FIVE DOLLAR DROP IN PRICE IN FIVE MINUTES WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING BUT DONT YOU WORRY YOUR LOVE IS LIFTING ME HIGHER, HIGHER AND HIGHER  (HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHER!) AND WHEN WE GATHER TO PLAY IN THE CONSOME NEXT TUESDAY WE CAN COMPARE OUR RECORD PROFITS BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE DEAL IN THE WORKS AND THE TERMS ARE CLEAR: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/18/2026 - :) ALL SMILES FOR HORMUSSY ON ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL MONDAY.  ANOTHER COOL CALM CHILLAXING WEEKEND FLOATING IN THE SUN GETTING BAKED WITH NOOOOOOOOOO SHIPS NOOOOOOOO POLLUTION NOOOOOOOOO FIGHTING NOOOOOOOO TASTING OF THE HORMUSSY THANKFULLY THROUGH THE MOST EVIL CAPITALIST MEANS ALIVE THE PRICE OF GASOLINE CAN BE ARTIFICIALLY SURPRESSED FOR A BIT LONGER WHILE HORMUSSY TANS A BIT TANNER LAUGHS A LITTLE LOUDER AND SMUGS A LITTLE SMUGGER  HAHAHA SPEAKING OF YES HERE GLOWIE LET HORMUSSY DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU

blockade status? - THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED

frozen funds status? - THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED

sanctions status? - THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED

reparations status? - THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED

lebanon status? - THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED

LOL  HOPIUM STATUS = CRITICAL COPIUM RATIONS = PLUMMETING  HORMUSSY STATUS = CLOSED

Update 05/15/2026 - GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING HORMUSSY!!!  IS EVERYONE EXCITED READY TO POP OFF SOME MORE AND MAKE EVERYTHING 1000% BETTER??  RIDDLE ME THIS WHY ARE THE SAUDI DOGS TUCKING THEIR TAIL SUDDENLY THEY CAN'T SUPPLY FIFTEEN OF THE NINETEEN PILOTS NEEDED TO FLY AIRLINERS INTO CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE WHAT MAGICALLY CHANGED???  PERHAPS ONCE THEY HAVE SOME MORE SALT WATER TO DRINK THEY WILL SEE CLEARLY AGAIN AND DEDICATE THE NECESSARY RESOURCES TO SERVE THEIR WESTERN MASTERS.  GOOD THING THEY HAVE ACCESS TO ANOTHER STRAIT THAT AINT CLOSED SUPER DUPER ULTRA OH MY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH TIGHT!!!!  CAUSE THIS HORMUSSY... IS CLOSED!!

Update 05/14/2026 - BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB IRAN?  CLOSED CLOSED CLOSE CLOSED HORMUSSY!  AI SAYS HORMUSSY IS EFFECITIVELY CLOSED - NO - HORMUSSY IS CLOSED WITH EFFECT.  DO YOU LIKE THE EFFECT?  BEING DESPERATE FOR SWEET SWEET HORMUSSY?  KEEP TALKING THE CARDS ARE NOW BEING DEALT HOPE YOU GET A GOOD HAND CAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/13/2026 - THE CHINESE WILL NOT SAVE YOU.  PRETEND ALL YOU WANT HORMUSSY DOESN"T MATTER ANY MORE AND YOU"RE SO OVER HORMUSSY AND DON"T MISS THE TASTE THE TOUCH THE SMELL OF HORMUSSY BUT HORMUSSY KNOWS THIS IS A LIE.  YOU LITERALLY CANNOT LIVE WITH HORMUSSY AND WILL DO ANTYHING TO JUST FEEL THE SPRAY OF HORMUSSY ON YOUR FACE ONE MORE TIME BUT NO.  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/12/2026 - GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY - HE HAS A PLAN THE BEST PLAN EVER ALMOST A GOOD AS THE HORMUSSY PLAN TO UGH CLOSE RIGHT UP OH YEAH YEAH YEAH CLOSED UP SO TIGHT TIGHT TIIIIIIIIIIGHT NOT OPEN BUT CLOSED THE OPPOSITE OF OPEN VERY CLOSED HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT PLAN THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED AND WILL STAY CLOSED YOU CAN PLAN ON IT.  BEST PLAN ON IT.  LOL GLOWIES WON'T SAY HORMUSSY NO MO  "HORMUZ STATUS?" "HORMUZ STATUS????" IT"S PRONOUCED HORMUSSY WITH AN EXTRA UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH ON THE OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH  MYYYYY UUUUUSSSSSSSYYYY MY MY MY OHHHHH I-I LIKE MY SUITCASE.  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/11/2026 - GOT A LOT OF MEMES BUT NOT A LOT OF HORMUSSY.  KNOW WHY?  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/10/2026 - HAPPY MOTHER LOVERS DAY MOTHER LOVERS.  LAME STREAM MEDIA SAYS THE IRAN SITUATION HAS CHANGED THAT MAY BE TRUE BUT THE HORMUSSY SITUATION HAS NOT SORRY MOTHERS AND THEIR LOVERS  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/09/2026 - ANOTHER LOONEY LUNATIC DAY.  WORSHIP YOUR GOLDEN IDOLS ALL YOU WANT THEY DON'T CONTROL THIS GOLDEN (PRICELESS) HORMUSSY.  THE MAJORITY THINKS THE HORMUSSY SHOULD STAY CLOSED?  ASK AND YOU WILL RECEIVE!  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/08/2026 - PEOPLE SAY HORMUSSY IS "LUNATICS" REALLY??? WOULD A LUNATIC BUY A DOMAIN AND SET UP A WEBSITE JUST TO MOCK YOUR EXTREME PATHETIC GROSS INCOMPETENCE DAILY AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AT YOUR INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE FARSI??? "THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED" HERE LET ME TRANSLATE INTO ENGRISH FOR YOU "THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED" GOT IT YET????  THE ONLY LUNATICS HORMUSSY SEES ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T GET THIS SIMPLE FACT. C C C CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED HORMUSSY SUPER CLOSED CRAZY WHACKO HORMUSSY SO WHACKO CRAZY LUNATIC CLOSED. 

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T STAY ON THEIR SIDE OF EARTH

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN BUILD BASES IN NOT THEIR COUNTRY TO ATTEMPT TO IMPOSE THEIR IMPOTENT WILL

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO STUPID TO KNOW THE PETROL COMPANIES DIDN"T NEED TO RAISE GAS PRICES THEY DID IT JUST TO SCREW YOU

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T STOP KILLING

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T STOP EXPANDING

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN ANCIENT PROPHECY

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO WON'T TAKE A DNA TEST TO PROVE THEIR RELATION TO END TIME PROPHECY

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN RED COWS AND TEMPLES

LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THE LUNATICS ARE PEOPLE  ENJOYING ANOTHER BALMY CRYSTAL CLEAR NINETY DEGREE DAY SPLISHING AND A SPLASHING THEIR TOES IN THE GREAT HORMUSSY LIVING AND A LAUGHING WHILE THE HORMUSSY STAYS CLOSED TO ACTUAL LUNATICS.  HAHA KEEP IT UP.  US "INTELLIGENCE" SAYS IT'S GOING TO BE THIS WAY FOR A WHILE.  GET COMFORTABLE DOING LAUNDRY.  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/07/2026 - SUCCESSFULLY TRANSITED. TRANSITED. AS IN GOT THE LOVE UP OUT OF THE HORMUSSY. CUZ THEY WERE UNDER ATTACK! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHY! YEP YOU GUESSED IT THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED!! CLOSED OH SO TIGHT OOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOHHHHHHH OHHHHSO TIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT UUUUUUGGGGHH  I KNOW I KNOW THE US INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS JUST NOW FIGURING IT OUT BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT BUTTERFLIES AIN'T NOTHING TO MESS WITH. THEY CAUSE ALL SORTS OF LAUNDRY. I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY LAUNDRY DO YOU WANT TO DO ANY LAUNDRY GOOD THEN STAY OUT OF THE HORMUSSY. HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/06/2026 - MAY EVERYONE GOT THEIR FILL OF CINCO DE TACO TUESDAY.  PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE THIS PAUSE THATTHAT GUESS WHAT'S NOT PAUSING THIS HORMUSSY PARTY CAUSE HORMUSSY PARTIES DON'T STOP (OR PAUSE).  HORMUSSY PARTIES DO CLOSE HOWEVER.  AND OH SO TIGHT DO THEY CLOSE OHHHH.  BUT I DIGRESS.  STRATO DOWN (YOU'RE WELCOME NO MORE MAINTENANCE COSTS), DRONE DOWN (ONLY $10 MILLION NO WORRIES), PROJECT FREEDUMB PAUSED.  HORMUSSY STILL CLOSED.  HORMUSSY STILL WINNING.  AND THAT'S THE HORMUSSY STATUS.

Update 05/05/2026 - YES FRIENDS IT'S TRUE.  DOLPHINS WITH EXPLOSIVE BACKPACKS AND SHARKS WITH FRINKIN LASER BEAMS HAVE BEEN ENLISTED BY THE HORMUSSY TO ENSURE COMPLETE AND TOTAL HORMUSSY CLOSURE.  THIS IS BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR DOLPHIN AND SHARK FRIENDS AND LOVE TO SHARE HORMUSSY WITH THEM.  IT IS OPEN TO ALL MARINE LIFE WHO LOVES HORMUSSY.  BUT IF YOU ARE NOT A DOLPHIN OR SHARK OR OTHER LOVEABLE MARINE ANIMAL THEN THIS IS ALSO TRUE: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 05/04/2026 - HAPPY STAR TREK DAY MAY YOU FORCE LONG AND PROSPER.  🚫CLAIM: THE HORMUSSY IS CONTROLLED. ✅TRUTH: THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.  BOOM BOOM BOOM HEAR THAT LAUNDRY BEING DONE LEFT AND RIGHT HOLD UP BACK UP SKRT SKRT FORGOT THE PICKUP FROM THE LAUNDROMAT.  BRB PROJECT FREEDOM WILL RESUME SOON BUT FOR RIGHT NOW PLEASE ENJOY PROJECT CLOSED.  LOL.

Update 05/03/2026 - SORRY NO UPDATE YESTERDAY I NEEDED A SECOND TO PROCESS ALL THE BREAKING UPDATES AND CHANGES TO THE HORMUSSY STATUS AS WHICH OF COURSE YOU ALREADY KNOW HAS BEEN NONE NOTHING ABSOLUTE ZERO (BRRRR) HORMUSSY UPDATES BECAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS AS IT WAS AND WAS IT WILL BE... CLOSED.  YOU CAN SWIM IN THE REFLECTION POND ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU WILL NEVER SWIM IN THE HORMUSSY. KUWAIT EXPORTS NO OIL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER AND MOTORISTS WILL SPEND OVER SIX GORILLION MORE GOYBUCKS ON POWERING THEIR GOYCARTS CAUSE THIS PROUD HORMUSSY AIN'T YOUR PERSONAL BIRD BATH AND EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY IS CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED.

Update 05/01/2026 - MAY THE FIRST BE WITH YOU IN YOUR QUEST TO LIVE IN BUCKINGHAM PALACE BECAUSE THAT DREAM IS A MUCH CLOSER THAN REALITY THAN LIVING IN THIS UGGGGGGGGGH NICE RIGHT TIGHT HORMUSSY CAUSE CAUSE CAUSE YEP YOU KNOW. K LOSED.  CLOSED.  HORMUSSY STATUS CLOSED.   BUCKINGHAM PALACE (NOT AS COOL OR TIGHT AS THE HORMUSSY) IS OPEN.  BUT THE SUPER COOL AWESOME TIGHT TIGHT TIGHTEST HORMUSSY PALACE IS CLOOOOOOOSED.  FOR YOU ANYWAY. 

Update 04/30/2026 - EIGHT HUNDRED MILES OUT SIX HUNDRED FEET DEEP THIS HORMUSSY IS BIG AND BEAUTIFUL BUT REST YOUR BLESSED SELF ASSURED THIS HORMUSSY IS ABOSLUTELY ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SIX PERCENT CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED. YOU WANT A DEAL?  HERE THE DEAL.  I WILL TRADE YOU ONE CLOSED HORMUSSY FOR ONE EXTRA UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGH EXTRA EXTRA CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED HORMUSSY.  YEEEEEEEEAH OH YEAH!!!! YOU LIKE THAT DEAL?  YOU WANT A BETTER DEAL?  OK, HERE'S THE DEAL.  THE HORMUSSY?  IT"S FUCKIN CLOSED YOU CRAZY BASTARD.  THAT'S THE DEAL!  hahahahahah

Update 04/29/2026 - I GOT A STATE OF COLLAPSE FOR YOU IT'S CALLED THE COLLAPSE OF HOPE FOR HORMUSSY. HOW YOU LIKE DEM STATES??? AS SOON AS POSSIBLE UNDERSTAND THIS. (WHICH I BELIEVE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO!)  NO.  HORMUSSY.  ...  CLOSED. CLOOOOOOOOOOSED.  SUPER DUPER ULTRA WHOA WHOA WHOA CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED. SO BOARD YOUR SHIP AND WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT.

Update 04/28/2026 - WAIT.  WAIT?  WAIT.  WAIT??  WAIT!! WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT THAT"S EXACTLY RIGHT AND YOU KNOW WHY YOU WAIT ON THIS STRAIT CAUSE THIS STRAIT DON"T WAIT IT CLOSES ITS HORMUSSY AND THEN YOU CRY WHILE YOU WAIT.  WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT OOOOOOOOOOH HORMUSSY PLZ - NO.  HORMUSSY STATUS??? CLOSED.  WAIT FOR UPDATE.

Update 04/27/2026 - FUN DAY MONDAY OFF TO ANOTHER EXCITING WEEK OF BREAKING HORMUSSY UPDATES STARTING WITH A FRESH OFF THE OL TELEGRAPH HORMUSSY STATUS UPDATE.  YEP.  YOU GUESSED RIGHT!!!!!!!!  CLOSED.  CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED!  GUESS YOU BETTER STRAP ON SOME SANDALS AND FIND ANOTHER HORMUSSY OH WAIT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE HORMUSSY AND IT IS CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED.

Update 04/26/2026 - BIG UPDATE TODAY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT FRIEND OF FRIENDS YES SIR THE TIME HAS COME THE PERIOD OF COMING IS UPON US COMING OF THE MESSAGE THAT THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED AND YOU WILL NEVER GET IN!!!!! DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY MANIFESTOS YOU WRITE READ MY HORMUSSY.  THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED.

Update 04/25/2026 - SHABBAT SHALOM YOU WANT TO TASTE THE HORMUSSY BUT YOU WILL NOT!!!  MUCH LIKE ME THE HORMUSSY IS NOT OPEN FOR BUSINESS.  THERE WILL BE NO SAMPLES.  THERE WILL BE NO TASTING.  THIS HORMUSSY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OH OH OH NO NO NO THIS HORMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSY IS CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSED.

Update 04/24/2026 - MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MY HORMUSSY NOT YOURS MY HORMUSSY IS CLOSED NOT OPEN VERY CLOSED OOOOOOH SO CLOSED SO MANY MINE OH SO MINE TIGHT HORMUSSY SO CLOSED

Update 04/23/2026 - YOU WANT HORMUSSY TOO BAD NO HORMUSSY FOR YOU YES SIR THAT HORMUSSY IS LOCKED STOCKED AND BARRELED AND WILL NOT BE OPEN OR ACCESSED BECAUSE THE HORMUSSY IS CLOSED FOR YOU NOW AND FOREVER.

Update 04/20/2026 - uwu OY VEY SO SAD THE OH SO TIGHT OHHHHHHHH HOHHHHHHH OHHHHH SO TIIIIIIIIIGHT HORMUSSY SO TIGHT SO SO CLOSED OH NO OH NO SO CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THE HORMUSSY CLOSED SO TIGHT NO HORMUSSY FOR YOU NOPE NOPE NOPE